Entry for September 20, 2005

Well, its not that easy to keep up on this.  there are so many things that have happened, and I haven't been able to report on it.  I'm writing this now as I prepare to fly north tommorrow to fight for my son.  You know what's funny, her SOLE motivation is money and revenge; the more time that goes by, the more I become convinced she really doesn't care about our son as much as she says.  Or else, why would we have to keep going through this?  Anyway, I digress.  It's costing me more thatn $300.00 to go up for this date.  That's money I could've used to pay down some of my arrears.  I'm going up there with cash in hand to pay some of it as it is, but I would have rather done an on-line transfer for what I'm going with plus the $300.00.  I'm honestly worried that she has some sort of trap set up for me up there.  I know I sound I paranoid, but I can't help but feel this way after I lost a whole year of my life due to one of her lies.  A lie such as the one I'm flying up to defend myself against now.  My God, I just want to know when this will all end.
I had a wierd feeling come over me when I was in church on Sunday.  It was a sense of profound sadness or loss/grief, yet at the same time, I felt comforted.  No, I'm not going to start espousing the virtues of God or church.  Let's just say, I know He's been there for me, and I love Him for it.  Anyways, it's almost as if I had had some insight into Thursday.  I hope my feeling was wrong, however, all I can do is put it in His hands and trust His judgement.  Christien, I love and miss you, papi.  One day, you'll see your daddy and brother again.  Until then, know I haven't forgotten about you.  I love you son.

Entry for September 14, 2005

Alright, so here I am.  I haven't posted an entry since Christien's birthday, its almost 2 am, and I'm wondering why I haven't put anything since then.  The simple truth is, I haven't had the time.  My new court date is coming up next week, and I'm trying to reconcile my travel needs with my new job.  On the plus side, this new job is the graveyard shift, so it offers me some flexibility.  The downside, you have no idea how expensive it is nowadays to do any traveling!  Add to that: a) I have no idea how long court will be; 2) how many issues will be resolved; 3) whether or not I may actually have a chance to see Christien (longshot, at best, I know, but I have to keep hoping God will let it happen), and you can see why I haven't been able to devote more time to this endeavor.  My hope is that if I'm not allowed to be a part of his life, one day he will find this, and know that, indeed, his dad loved him.

Songs keep going through my mind.  In particular are Garth Brooks' "Unanswered Prayers" and Trisha Yearwoods' (I think) "I Hope You Dance".  I just pray these aren't omens.  I want to be the one to give Christien advise, not some song.  Forget me for a second.  He has a brother down here who misses him terribly.  He actually asked me if I was going back so I could pick up Christien.  We are not well off by any means, but I would find the way for Christien to be part of our family down here.  We already have a bed for him, as well as a chair at the dinner table.  All that is missing is him.  I remember always saying, I wanted my kids to grow up together; to have those common bonds and experiences siblings have.  Aaron gets some of that from Luis and Anthony, but it's not the same as if he had Christien around.  Aaron understands the difference between he and the boys, and he doesn't understand why he can't see or talk to his brother.  Quite frankly, neither do I.  All I can do is pray that things will change, hopefully starting next week.